


Blooming Flowers

by excessnight



Series: Three Little Birds [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Alcoholism, Bullying, Crossdresser!Spock, Depression, Eating Disorder, Insecurity, M/M, McSpirk - Freeform, Mental Illness, Nerd!Jim, Punk!Bones, Relapse, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempts, mckirk - Freeform, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:04:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/excessnight/pseuds/excessnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard McCoy was just a man who was too weak to face his problems. But when he met his nerdy destined to be best friend Jim Kirk, he became Bones. A man who had many scars and many stories, but in the end the only thing he had left was his bones and those no one could scar or take from him.</p><p>Rated Mature for several serious mentions. Please read with caution as mental illness is mentioned along with abuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blooming Flowers

**Author's Note:**

> I highly suggest that if you are emotionally or mentally unstable that you should not read this. It is highly triggering, as you might say. It's the rawest form of self-torture and depression that I can express, as someone with depression, to those of you. Please, I warn you again.
> 
> Tread with extreme caution.

**Blooming Flowers**

* * *

_"You're worthless, pathetic!" KICK!  
_

_"You're never gonna amount to anything. No one's gonna love you, you piece of shit." SMACK!_

_"You cut yourself? That's fucking pathetic. People like you aren't worth anything." CRUNCH!_

 

He didn't care how many years passed, those words were still all over him. They held him down in the middle of the night. Haunted him at work. Scared him to death when he was finally able to be happy. He would never escape them, they would follow him to his grave. They would take away all the light he ever knew and wouldn't think twice about it. That vicious tongue would, more than likely, be the death of him in the end. It always seemed to try, at least.

 

_"Who the hell would ever say that to you? Apparently they don't see the kindest soul I've ever met."  
_

_"Of course I'm your best friend. I love you and I'm not gonna leave you, I'm here for you no matter what."_

_"Bones, that's what I'm gonna call you. You got your bones and I'm gonna help you get your heart back."_

 

"Leonard. Leonard are you listening to me. Come on Bones, don't do this shit! I told you, I'm here. I'm here for you, you can't fucking do this. You can't leave me, I'm sorry."

He had flashbacks of being in the hospital, of Jim sitting close to his bed, head in his hands because of sleep or exhaustion. His mother was in the other chair, fast asleep. His father. Well, he wasn't sure where. He wasn't sure how he had gotten to the hospital or when, but he had. He had been laying in a bed with an IV tube in him and he could feel his sides stinging, his arms hurt too. But he remembered what he had done. How she hurt him so bad that he sliced his arms up until a river seemed to flow. How he then took the knife and dragged it across his sides, deep and until the pain stopped. He wasn't sure when he'd passed out but he knew Jim came. Jim was always there. He was 26 when Jim had first been there for his attempt. It wouldn't be his last, but he hoped it would at least.

And Jim would be there when he said he wanted to cover his body with art to hide the scars. All of them. The scars that his ex had given him. Ones he had given to himself in a drunken stupor. Or even the ones that were caused by his need to end his life. Jim would be there to help him through each session. When he decided it would be a good idea to get facial piercings and several cartilage piercings. Jim would be there for him.

"Dammit!"

"He told you it was gonna hurt," Jim had said as he sat there with his head on the back of the chair.

"The least you could do is laugh or some shit," Bones complained and felt warm when Jim smiled, wearing those stupid geeky glasses of his.

Jim was there for the peach that Bones has affectionately decided he needed on him. He picked on him, sure, but said it was 'fitting'.

"Sweet, that's what you are." Bones would never let him down for that comment though. He was there when Fenrir tore open Bones' side and began to eat at his ribs. When he decide it was a good idea to get a spinal tattoo of a spine. When the man allowed himself to spread his wings, birds to fly on his back, vines to wrap around his legs, flowers to blossom from his loins. When he wanted the stars on his arms, a key to his veins, Jupiter on his shoulder. Jim was there when the phoenix on Bones' arm had been birthed from the flames on the backs of his legs. And he was there when Bones' got a skull on his other shoulder, how fitting too. Gave him the idea of an open chest, seeing through the ribs at the pulsing heart. Inspired the burst of sunshine on his right breast. From dragons, to swords, to crosses and even pointless symbols of freedom and strength, he was there. Supporting and giving his best. Showing Bones he was important, that whatever he was doing, it wasn't wrong. And he was there when he got all the words 'hope', 'heart', and 'strength' in every language they could think of all over the parts that weren't tattoo'ed. He was there to say, "You should have the words, 'All I've got left is my Bones' on your neck." Jim never left. He was a symbol for it all.

 

Jim had always been there for him. Never laughed at him. Never yelled at him for doing something stupid. Never told him relapsing was bad. And when Bones had such a difficult ass time getting through Starfleet's med school, Jim simply helped him. Didn't question. Didn't pander. Nothing.

"What is the proper term used for Andorian shingles?" he asked as he flipped a page, reading up on the context there before flipping back and rereading the previous page. He'd do that until the term was stuck in his head.

"Andorian herpes zoster," Bones said as he was sitting at his desktop, typing away at a research paper that was due in a few hours. Eventually he pushed himself away from it and sighed, feeling the effects of sleep exhaustion. Bones had a new tattoo on his arm that was itching like crazy but he knew better than to scratch at it and his piercings stung. He ignored them though, he'd clean them in a bit.

"Alright, good. I think it's time for some rest now," he said as he closed the fat textbook and threw it onto the floor. While Jim used PADDs just as much as the next person, he loved books and sought out any actual textbooks he could. Dusty and as ancient as they were, that was Jim, never settling for the easy route.

"I still got more," Bones motioned to the desktop with a sigh.

"Nope, you don't. I'll take care of it," Jim said as he took off his nerdy glasses. "Sleep, I'll wake you up in time for class," he said as he pushed the chair over towards the bathroom where he knew Bones would take care of his new additions to his body.

"I don't need you cheating my way through this shit," he grumbled as he got up and headed into their shared bathroom.

"You aren't cheating, you know this stuff. You're just stressing. We'll review it again after you rest," Jim had responded back before typing away.

 

Jim had always been there for him. Always and always. He didn't want anyone else in his life beside Jim. Who had given him his stupid ass nickname and who he would stay awake in the middle of the night to bake cookies until he got the recipe right. Jim was so special to him, despite even his flaws. His habit of sleeping with strangers because he was ashamed of his intelligence and he wanted to hide it. His habit of not eating for days and then pigging out because of Tarsus. His need to read everything, memorize everything, and then share it with Bones' at whatever time he felt was acceptable. That was Jim, and he accepted it. Accepted all the pieces and loved them for what they were.

But what scared Bones the most was he didn't wanna lose Jim. When Jim had met Spock, they were at a bar together drinking after a hard exam, and Jim didn't want to take Spock home. Spock had been just like all the other one-night-stands in Jim's life, until Bones' told him Spock was a their teacher. After that he watched as the lust quickly went to a light and suddenly everything changed so quickly. And that's what scared Bones. Because Jim was just, if not more, intelligent as Spock and he could see how much he found him attractive, intellectually and physically.

 

"I'm gonna ask him out on a date," Jim had said one night as he poured over one of his ancient books where the rest lay hidden under his bed.

"What? Who?"

"Spock. I'm gonna ask him out and see if he wants to go steady," he had said it with so much confidence and Bones' slowly began to relapse. He had stayed out longer at night, started to drink more, got into one too many bar fights, and eventually ended up cutting the parts of him that hadn't been marked with ink. He didn't clean up his wounds or take care of his health, he even stared letting his grades slip. He didn't honestly care though, he was losing Jim and Jim was the most important thing to him and he wasn't around. It had just been like his ex. He hated to remember her name and he didn't. But he knew Jim would leave him like she did and he just... He had hoped that Jim wouldn't. He could feel the darkness settling around him, holding him and reminding him he was empty. And without Jim he was so cold. So cold and alone again. He could keep going, but he wasn't living anymore. He was already practically dead. He was 28.

 

It took Jim about a week to notice before he was cleaning up Bones' wounds and asking him what tattoo he'd want to get next and saying that he loved him. Jim who was apologizing for being  _happy_. Jim was so important to him. And Bones felt so horrible. He had never deserved Jim and he hated himself for that. He didn't deserve anyone. And even though Jim was there again, the darkness didn't let up. It ate and ate and ate. He couldn't escape it. He would never escape it.

And then suddenly Spock was part of their small, insecure and scared group. He was a part of the family without real reason. And Bones accepted him. And over time Bones learned to  _share_ Jim with him and Jim shared Spock with Bones. Bones learned that as a child on Vulcan, Spock was bullied for most of his life. That his bullying went as far as physical to emotional to actual mental. And when he came to Earth he was well known, so he wanted to try to be someone else. And he did. And he loved it. Because as a child he loved some of his mother's human clothing. And fell in love with her make-up. The poor, hurt half-Vulcan found some way to be a bright and shining beauty with mere cloth and make-up. Before Bones knew it he was in love with Spock just as much as he loved Jim.

 

And then he relapsed again.

This time there was no reason. Either Jim was always near him or it was Spock, but he relapsed again and this time he had gotten so drunk he tried to cut out the words on his arms that Jim had helped him put there. He slashed at the beautiful flowers on his hips and he almost started to destroy the strong vines on his thigh before he blacked out from loss of blood. He wasn't sure who saved him this time but when he woke up in his bed, he had liquids flowing into him and all his wounds had been either stitched up or patched up. He had warned Jim years ago he wanted the scars and to never use a skin graph. Spock was in one of his favorite dresses, curled up on the couch next to his bed, while Jim had his hand out to Bones as if he had held it until he fell asleep. And suddenly Bones felt awful again and tried to rip out the tubes he was hooked up to until Spock jumped up and halted his hands and Jim followed him and wrapped his arms around Bones and kept whispering pointless information into his ears. He cried and cried and screamed and yelled. He didn't deserve them. Didn't need them. He was a worthless piece of trash. He knew it and no amount of tattoos that covered his scars would ever make him forget that. This time he was 29.

It took Spock kissing his forehead and Jim just holding him as tight as he could for him to stop fighting. For him to relax and realize he was loved by two of the most broken people he knew. Jim whose father had died when he was born, who died a hero and who was expected to live up to his image, whose uncle was a drunk and hated him, who had seen murder. Spock whose mother was a human and he was a Vulcan, for the abuse he was subjected to all because of the love of his parents, for everyone who looked down on him for his emotions, and the shame he felt for his need to fit in with them instead of protecting his mother from them like he should have.

It seemed like hours before Bones was finally quiet and he just leaned into the two most important pieces of his life. He leaned into Jim who whispered pointless little nothings and new ideas for recipes and he leaned into Spock who whisp ered Vulcan lullabies from his childhood. He listened to them both and fell in love. He was home right here with them. And yet he knew he was going to lose them. He lost everything good in his life. Even if it was good for just a moment.

 

After that it wasn't so easy for Bones to bounce back and he almost stopped functioning all together. Either Spock was taking care of him when Jim went off to class or Jim was taking care of him. He still had nightmares. He cried out in the middle of a conversation. He was a wreck. A complete, utter, wreck. And he feared that he would never get better. That was his biggest fear. He didn't have an outlet to get better. He needed one but if he didn't have the motivation to find one he couldn't have one. And the blackness. Oh the blackness kept it's hold, never letting the two most important lights into his life. And how he hated that darkness.

Until Jim told him he needed him for the Kobayashi Maru. He told him that he needed him to pass it. Of course it was a no-win test. But Jim never listened and kept trying it. The first two times he had done it without Bones but he knew Bones needed to get back on track and asked him to be there for his third try. And somehow the broken doctor agreed. And before he knew it they were on trial and then in space and Vulcan was destroyed and he suddenly realized: Spock was hurt. Spock was vulnerable and he had to save him. Had to keep him safe. And as he focused on Spock's health he forgot his own and then Jim had a fight with Spock and was thrown off the ship. Oh he was angry at that but he kept his distance. Spock was upset. He found his light. His light was Spock. The blackness, it wasn't so dark anymore. He had had a light all along and now, now it seemed on. Really on. He could see the details and suddenly, it didn't hurt that much. But it was still very dark.

He couldn't remember much of that time. Bodies, healing people, that's all he remembered. He remembered Jim being hurt. And then being captain. He remembered that he was proud of Jim, nerdy glasses wearing Jim who loved to cook and who loved to draw equations and designs on whatever bare skin Bones could offer him. And then he found his motivation. His motivation had been both of them all along, he just needed a kick in the ass to realize it. And now that he saw the two bravest, most respectable people he knew being in command and standing next to each other, he knew. He would make it. His light had been them both. Jim had always been a light but the darkness always crawled back without Spock. But when they were there, together, being themselves fully and happily, that was when the light turned on and completely drove all the darkness away. Bones felt safe.

 

Of course, he still had his really bad days, but they hardly came. He had to focus on the fact that Jim still had terrible nightmares because of his death and because of Tarsus IV. He had to be there for Jim, like Jim had been there for him. He had to hold him and tell him he wasn't going anywhere, to repeat the recipes he had committed to memory long ago back to the broken man. He had to help Spock cope with whatever he was feeling and couldn't handle it on his own. Had to show Spock that emotions were okay and he was there for him. Would always be there for him whenever he needed to just talk, no judging humans or Vulcans, just Bones listening to his beloved Spock. And he still let Jim draw all over him and he still let Spock kiss his forehead and sing lullabies he didn't understand. They helped him when he had his bad days and he loved them. He needed them. And he was glad. He hadn't cut himself in well over two years, hadn't felt the need. And he was proud. They had saved him. And he was so happy.


End file.
